I Feel… Way Too Much

I Feel Love: MDMA and The Quest for Connection in a Fractured World, by Rachel Nuwer, argues that MDMA should be classified as a lower-scheduled banned substance and used as a radical treatment plan for trauma and PTSD survivors. It’s a revolutionary take on the future of therapy. Read my review here.

My first weekend at Ohio State, I attended a highlighter party, a rite of passage for college freshmen. Everyone crowds into an off-campus house wearing a plain white tee and taking turns decorating shirts with neon highlighters. Blacklight works to everyone’s advantage, as it mimics the environment of a rave while masking the awkwardness of new friendships. I remember being sober the entire night, solely operating on the newfound freedom only a college freshman understands.

Flash forward to my final weekend of freshman year. Same white tee and neon accessorized outfit, but this time, sobriety wouldn’t cut it. My friends and I were attending Dayglow, an EDM-fueled paint party. It was the perfect end to a taxing first year away from home, numerous failed relationships, and a plummeting by the minute GPA. The brother of one of my oldest friends secured my first dose of MDMA, and I spent the night touching color and tasting sound in the most heightened sensory experience I’ve had to date.

I’m more than comfortable sharing experimentation from my past, considering I had to disclose my personal catalog of drug use to the Federal government during my Top-Secret clearance screening. It’s still bewildering they granted me one. Maybe my explicit honesty convinced them I couldn’t be blackmailed for state affairs. Who knows. But some people might feel ashamed or embarrassed by the decisions of their youth. Fear is reasonable, as illicit drug use carries major penalties. Humiliation is also a side effect, as it might allude to vulnerabilities in our mental health and home life, or private struggles we prefer to remain hidden. Nevertheless, it’s clear that a culture shift is underway in the US, where curiosity and candidness are becoming more commonplace in the world of drug use. Humans have become so desperate for community, empathy, and acceptance that we are redefining the means by which we acquire them.

I Feel Love: MDMA and the Quest for Connection in a Fractured World, by Rachel Nuwer, evangelizes the uses for MDMA in ways never before explored. The book discusses the science behind MDMA’s synthetization, its journey on the DEA’s list of banned substances, and its potential in revolutionizing therapy techniques.

We first learn the origins of MDMA, how it was synthesized in the labs of German pharmaceutical manufacturer, Merck, under questionable origins. Was MDMA the byproduct of a rivalry with Bayer in a race to develop blood clotting medication, or was its ancestry more sinister as part of Nazi Germany’s efforts at mind-control during the World Wars?

We next meet the cast of characters vigilantly championing the alternative uses of MDMA: eccentric scientists, psychologists, and psychiatrists who have joined forces to decriminalize MDMA in controlled settings. Each activist shares stories of recreational experimentation from their youths and how it molded both their careers and belief systems on banned substances. Some of these researchers are more aggressive with their methods and ideologies, some are more cautious, so whether you’re fully bought in on decriminalizing substances or you’re a bit more hesitant and just now exploring and deconstructing, there is a researcher and style for all readers. In these sections, we learn the difference between the experimentation associated with recreational drug use versus the fine-tuning of proper treatment doses. Personally, I’ve always looked at all drug use under a recreational lens due to my own ignorance, but these chapters respectfully expose the nuance we should account for in treatment settings.

If I were to hone in on a specific audience I Feel Love will most immediately impact, it’s undoubtedly individuals who are still processing their trauma or suffering from PTSD. This book is for people who feel even more lost after trying traditional forms of therapy to no avail, for the loved ones and support systems of people who actively are in therapy, and for people who have lost loved ones who couldn’t get the help they needed. Because trauma manifests in many forms, Nuwer introduces a wide spectrum of participants:

• Naomi – a woman who came to America from a German displaced persons camp. Her Romanian mother and Hungarian father were Holocaust survivors whose grief permeated their home but was never openly discussed.
• John – a man who witnessed the murder of his mother as he pretended to sleep in his childhood bed.
• Lori – a former alcoholic and addict who discovered the bodies of her mother and the two women she killed in a love triangle gone wrong.

We met rape victims and war veterans, individuals exploring their gender and sexuality. The stories are significant and applicable; even if you have never personally struggled with trauma or PTSD, there’s a strong chance a loved one has. Reading these chapters with the goals of acceptance and lack of judgment are how we destigmatize trauma and provide adequate resources to those who need them, even if they don’t fit the past precedent of care.

Nuwer does an excellent job of empowering the stories she included when all too often the trend is victimhood. She masterfully toes the line of sympathy and empathy: none of these individuals want pity, they simply desire their trauma and grief to be recognized and respected. It’s hard enough to admit we need help, it’s harder still to admit when something that worked for most doesn’t work for all. Traditional forms of therapy were insufficient, and the vulnerability to try new methods enshrouded in controversy is courageous. My hope is that these stories set a new standard in care and expand the reach of non-traditional therapy.

While it undoubtedly supports the flow of her MDMA foundation-building and storytelling, it’s not until the last pages of the chapter “Destigmatization” that Nuwer addresses intersectionality within the drug culture and the stigmatic spotlight minorities face. Sure, the conversation of max incarceration goes well-beyond MDMA; however, these arguments, as well as the broader banned substance community, are fully enmeshed in one another. The mentioning of higher incarceration rates for minorities and longer sentences for non-violent drug offenses comes a bit too late for my personal preference. While Nuwer does a fantastic job of building up to this well-documented statistic, I find it hard for true destigmatization to occur if it’s not disruptive and uncomfortable to the overall story.

I Feel Love is the counterargument argument the War on Drugs needs. It is scientifically-backed, well-researched, and thought-provoking. As someone who has been challenging her biases since uncovering the broader realm of drug use, I Feel Love has disrupted my entire world view. I’d argue it has made a strong case for deeper progressive research versus restrictive legislation. Individual suffering is both personal and unique. MDMA-based therapy gives hopeless individuals the ability to address their past head-on and move forward with healthier behaviors and coping strategies. If you’re interested in further deconstructing your world view on drug use in America, I highly recommend these works of both fiction and non-fiction:

• How to Change Your Mind – Michael Pollan
• This is Your Mind on Drugs – Michael Pollan
• Weed: Everything You Want to Know but Are Always Too Stoned to Ask – Michelle Lhooq
• The Immortality Key: The Secret History of the Religion with No Name – Brian Muraresku
• The Seach for the Manchurian Candidate: The CIA and Mind Control – John Marks
• Psychedelic Psychiatry: LSD from Clinic to Campus – Erika Dyck
• One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Ken Kesey
  • Wrote chapters while high on LSD. Can you figure out which ones?
• All the President’s Men – Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward
  • David Obst pitched to publisher Simon & Schuster while high on MDMA.

I Feel Love is set to be published on July 6th, 2023. Thank you to Bloomsbury Publishing for sending me an advanced reader copy, and best of luck to Rachel Nuwer on the success of an empathetic, fantastically researched body of work. Click the link below to pre-order your copy: Purchase I Feel Love & Other Book Recs.